HEALMODE (Tutorial)

Hi reader. Yes, you are allowed to read this.

I’ve recently been having a bit of a crisis about who I am, what I want, how to get it, and so on. I am deeply unhappy in my current situation¹. I could lose my job any week, my physical and mental health are shit, I cut contact with the only friends I could see in-person, and I’m just generally really struggling.

I’m not going to sit here and type out every reason I think my life sucks. I’m also not here to throw myself a pity party. I am making an executive decision to leave HELLMODE and enter HEALMODE, which entails things like going slow, doing things with intention, being authentically myself, living in accordance with my values, practicing self-compassion and so on.

[unimportant but somewhat related lore]

On February 13th I purchased a 4-month program that teaches you how to become a “premium ghostwriter” for Big Business Companies, or BBCs as I like to call them (lol). I paid an ungodly amount of money for it, an amount that I am not willing to publicly share, and ultimately learned that during a gold rush the way to “get rich” isn’t mining for gold or selling shovels, but selling a course about how to sell shovels.

At first, I genuinely enjoyed it. It made me feel excited about the idea of building my own business as a writer. But over time, as I shifted from learning about the business of ghostwriting to actually doing the work, the reality of what was happening behind the scenes began to surface.

You engage with each other’s LinkedIn posts, subscribe to each other’s newsletters, and exchange compliments in Twitter threads. You buy each other’s digital products about how to make digital products and then turn around and sell your own. It’s a closed loop of mutual validation that starts to feel less like “entrepreneurship” and more like a carefully disguised pyramid of performative productivity.

I almost bought into the whole charade. But the endless meta-posting and hustle culture shit really wore on me. I realized it’s actually the fucking antithesis of kind of life I want for myself. It’s time to look inward and ask myself why it feels so off, and why I would want something for myself that makes me feel so icky.

This is what spurred my sudden desire to live a slower life. I don’t regret the time or energy (or even money…) I spent, I am only upset that I didn’t realize what was happening sooner.

As my therapist often reminds me, this is not failure, this is data.

During HEALMODE, the rules are that there are no rules. I have a few loose operational guidelines, but otherwise I’m pretty much just going to do whatever I want (and not do whatever I don’t want).

• Curiosity comes first. I follow my curiosity like a breadcrumb trail, going wherever it leads me.
• I won’t feel guilt or shame about not doing anything “productive.”
• There is no pressure and there are no expectations. There is no need or must or should, only want.
• I don’t need to prove my worth to anyone, I am already enough.
• Insight and reflection are more important than production. This project is not about what I produce, but about what I learn about myself in the process.
• Be kind to myself. Let’s start making my mind a nice place to be, yeah?

I’m probably forgetting some, but this is a good place to start. So just start. But no pressure!

P.S., Am I going to read this in 5 years and cringe? Of course. Will it have been worth it? I hope so.

This was not originally supposed to be for public consumption. I don’t want this project to become more about publicly performing than it is about self-discovery and identity building. But I think I do want to share this.

1. Read: Life. ↩︎